heres some jokes i came across...

1)
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria is that defines whether a patient should be institutionalized or not.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub with water, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the water out of the tub."

Okay, here's your test:

1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the

bucket since it is larger than the teacup or spoon."

"No," answered the Director.

"A normal person would pull out the stopper."


2)
Three kids are in school...a Mexican, a White, and a Black...
The teacher tells them to make a sentence with liver and cheese.

White kid says:
"My mom made me a liver and cheese sandwich with all
my favorite ingredients and it was sooo delightful...
Very generous of my mother I must say"

Black kid says:
"My daddy told my momma to go get the Government
cheese and she didn't, so my daddy punched her in the liver..."

Mexican kid says:
"Some kids were trying to look under my sister's
dress so I told the vatos "Hey Cabron!! Liver alone.
Cheese my Sister!!!"

3)
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man
has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes?
I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most?
What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing.
He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried
about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened.
I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.


SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

4)

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked. "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven." "WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately." "It's not that easy," said St. Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen," Tom replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered.

But now he felt like his rear end was going to blow. Then along came the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode." "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg." "How do I do that?" Tom asked. "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Tom, Wake up! You're ****tin' all over the bed!"